I almost always find the books I read for school to be intellectually stimulating, but rarely do I find a story that touches me on a deeper level. I am not a very emotional person. Perhaps it is because I come from a family where we try to hide our emotions, always pretending to be happy, but I have never been one for crying or dwelling on deeply emotional feelings. I try the best I can to move on to the parts of life that are humorous or intellectually stimulating. However, last night as I read through Jude the Obscure, the novel struck some strange tone in my very core. It was more than just empathizing with the character, or abstracting some meaning I could apply to life. Somehow, Jude became a heightened version of myself. His joys and happiness were my own, and his sadness almost brought me to tears. This sounds extremely gushy, which I hate to read, and hate even more to right, but I felt so moved by this novel that I feel like this is an excellent time to explore myself, to discover what exactly resonated in this novel.
What really helped me relate to Jude was the transformation from optimist to pessimist in a cold world. I know that in this ongoing class debate, I have voiced the opinion of the carnivore, however Jude’s childhood reminded me of my own. One I have been ignoring when every we begin this discussion in class. The memories began to reemerge when Mr. Phillotson yelled his parting words to Jude in the beginning of the book. “Be a good boy, remember: and be kind to animals and birds and read all you can.” (11)
Me with my own eventual pig to slaughter
This brought back my original passions as a child: a love of animals. As a little boy it used to be the only thing I would talk about. I read Dr. Doolitle and the Jungle Book, my first word was Moo Cow, and during recess I would run around the playground pretending to a mountain lion or a praying mantis. When my father (who is a big hunter) and I would take car rides I always argued with him about the ethics of taking the life of a creature. What had changed? I continued reading and got to the portion where Jude has to slaughter their pig. He says so somberly “Do be quiet, Arabella, and have a little pity on the creature!”(54)
Gettyimage photo of the gruesome nature of pig slaughter
This scene became like a visual depiction of striving with this inner conflict I had. Jude, who would rather spare the pigs life, knows he must kill it because of the necessity it is to his family and the norms dictated from society, yet he does his best to honor the animal’s life. This was so moving I almost resolved to become a vegetarian. It embodied the idea of the cock-eyed optimist who must loose his innocence to deal with the hardships of life. It really made me think all the cruelties I allow to happen. All that I should stand up for but don’t. How far away the world of my visions is from the world I live in.
Perhaps the part that most moved me to anger and sadness was Jude’s love life. I can relate to Jude in that I am totally rapped up in this world of academia. In high school all I wanted to do was learn. It brought many great joys, but was not totally self sustainable. Education was been my love, and I have never cheated on her. By that I am admitting to the fact that I have never had a girlfriend. As much joy I have had from my quest for knowledge it has been a lonely one. So when Jude finds his first true love, I too fall in love with Arabella. When he foregoes reading to spend time with I am overjoyed. I love his explanation “What were hi books to ? what were his intentions, hitherto adhered to so strictly, as to not wasting a single minute of time day by day? ‘Wasting?’ It depended on you point of view to define that: he was just living for the first time: not wasting life.” (41) I have often used this logic when wishing to spend time with friends, and I can’t wait to use this logic to spend time with someone I love.
This is why I feel so lost and discontented when life does not play out as Jude would have it. When Arabella seduces Jude I am so angry at how inconsiderate she can be. Here is a man who longs and pines for company, to not be alone in this world and she take advantage of his loneliness to gain security. Perhaps part of the reason this causes such passion and anger within me is because there was a girl, who I very much loved in high school, and while she never “seduced” me, she would often flirt with me only to never mean any development of a relationship. It drove me insane. I felt Jude’s heartache and betrayal, that Arabella could be so totally unconcerned with Jude’s hopes and desires, and at this point I almost cried.
Jude on his lonely path
Me on my lonely path
I could continue with Jude’s disillusionment in education, and how that parallels my own, but the main message I took, what I have felt and dwelled about all day is how imperfect the world is. How I, how Jude, how mankind can set these noble expectations out of passion and they always seem to fall short in this cruel world. Why do we have to fail? As Hardy writes “It was hell—‘the hell of conscious failure,’ both in ambition and in love.” (101)
I know this all sounds depressing, and I could try end with a positive twist, but as Bump advised I am trying to search through my own lonliness.
